Why I Stayed

 It has proven that 1.8 million woamen are battered each year,making battery the single largest cause of injury to women in the United States. Domestic Violence can be physical,emotional,verbal and financial, or sexual abuse from a partner you reside with or your spouse or even from a family member.

I myself, suffered from most of these abuses from the time of my cildhood years well into my early adult years. I had suffered from black and blue eyes,busted lips,broken nose,broken ribs,brusises and carry scars on my face and other parts of my body. The abuser always had many excuses; always say they are sorry. In my story, my abusers were family members and ex-husband. It started on December 24th, 1963, I was six years old and the first time I was sexual abuse was from my oldest brother, it was on a cold Christmas Eve night. The abuse and the abuse continued. I dare not say a word or tell anybody or even speak of it because our faith. See Mennonites and Amish do not speak to the outsiders which to the Mennonites and Amish are called the worldly people. When I started school I thought it be better being away from home and feel safe but I was wrong. Children started to bullied me. I hated school, even teachers would humilate me in front of the class and made me feel less of a human being. I acting out my angry towards people and became isoalted and rebellion towards my parents and teachers.

Yet every day I was told by my parents and family that they loved me, well I always would say to myself if this is what Love is, I don't need it. Allow me to tell you a little about myself growing up in the Mennonite/Amish faith. My grandparents and parents were very religios and did not believe in divorces but believed a child is to be seen and not heard. They believe that the male was the head of the house hold and the wife's place is to stand behind her husband.

Many of my family members and people accept violence against women as part of life. They also believe that marriage is forever in the eyes of the Lord and it be a sin against God's word and commandments. I grew up seeing abuse in my very own home and watching my father take a speaker wire and litteraly hitting my mother across the face with it, leaving a indent mark across her face. Daddy telling me and other siblings this is what happens if a women steps out out of line. My mother stayed with my father living with his rage and violent behavior towards her regardless how I felt or my younegr sibling.

My parents and grandparents wanted thier children to grow up and teach us whi is in charge of the house hold and what would happen to women if they stepped out of line. Family convinced these women as myself to try to make their marriage work regardless and not to run away from the marriage problems. Violence behaviors were all I knew.

When I turn fifteen years old I met my furture husband. Everything went well the first years we were married. About the fourth year the abuse started. I wnated so much to leave but remembering what I was taught growing up and constantly told that a women stands behind their husband and wife's and the what would happen if a wife steps out of her place. I thought if I was just to work harder to be a better wife or mother my husband would not hurt me today.  Being bron in a very strick religious family that did not believe in divorces and constantly told that the husband is the head of the house hold, the wife's place is to stand behind her husband was my reason I stayed married.

Another reason I stayed in my abusive relationship was that I was afraid to make changes in my life. I been abuse in my childhood years for many years and so brain washed that I started thinking I di not know what the real meaning of loving someone or somebody loving me in return was really like or knew how it feel to be loved. I thought the kind of love my husband and grandparents and parents showed me was the meaning of love and how they showed comapssion and cared for me and my younger sibling. I depended on my husband for he was the provider to put the food and shelter for our children and myself.

I had been married to him so long just like my mother was married to my father for many,many years and she stayed. I thought I had nowhere to go, nowhere and nobody to turn to because I had no friends.  I ask myself many questions; How could I manage on my won and support our children? The longer I believe these things the more my self-confidence withered away.

Finally; I stayed because I was afraid and so isolated. I felt ashame to talk to friends about my problems,believing somehow the abuse was my entire fault. Fear was my isolation too. Living in a violent home growing up all my childhood years is very frightening. Like many women, I was afriad to say anything as afraid to say anything when I was a child so I just remain silent and kept it quiet and to myself, prayed every day he came home from work and he would not hurt me today. Nothing I have done over the years or did would made my parents or partner be proud of me or for them to love me.

I share my story hope it gets out there for many women to to see. When I finally relized that the abuse was going to continued the same cycle I was reliving the same memories from my childhood years I decided this is enough. I had to do something for my children and for myself. I was finally fed up and ready to end my suffering and pain. I began to talk to anyone who would listen to me and took advise and I learned about ways to get help for my children and I.

On June 9th,1985, I finally found enough strength and courage so I started to fight back not just for myself but for my children and all victims who live in the domesctic violence enviornment. When he grabbed me and punched me and broke my nose and stabbed me I called 911. I thank God every day, every moment he spared my life and for changes in the way domestic violence and family violence as well as child abuse cases are be handle today. More though has to be done and laws has to be changed and be stricter.

Of all I went through, bulliness,child incest, physical,emotional,mental and raped it made me angry. Today I am a strong women and working hard to get my life back on track. The first step I made was to go back to school. Today I have my high school diploma, an Associate degree in Criminal Justice. I am fifty-One years old and disable from a car accident I had a few years ago when a twenty-one year old young man was out celebrating his twenty-first birthday. I was coming home from work after I worked a twelve hour shift, I was tired but thirsty so I thought I stop in a conveient store to purchase me a nice cold fountain soda. As I was pulling in, I was hit by the young man. Again God was watching over me, I had two back surgeries I do have some pain now and then but thank God I can walk yet.

It feels good to make my own decisions and not be afraid anymore. Slowly by slowly I am gradually not only getting my life back but building up my sel-esteem. I cry often and some days get depressed, I live off a small income and barely making ends meet but that is okay because I am alive and enjoying God's beautiness around me with an open mind. Crying helps my pain by letting it out instead of holding it in.

I pray every day for the women and the children who is still living in a home where violence is presented. Because of the high percentage of domestic violence shelters are fulled so majority of womens do not get the help that they need. There is help out there if you are determine and just reached out for it. Most towns and cities have twenty-four hotline. There is help at many colleges, hospitals,speak to your doctor and at the Department Of Student Development if you are a student.

Shelters are available if not full, maybe a close friend you may trust. These people will not fail you. Only you can break the chain.

FIGHT BACK! HELP STOP DOMESTIC ABUSE, CHILD ABUSE! FAMILY ABUSE! REMEMBER YOUR NOT ALONE!